Have you been swiping endlessly on Tinder and Bumble and not met your match yet? Do you worry that you will be single forever? Well I’m about to debunk some dating myths for you and give you the real low down on why your dating life sucks.
Newsflash: It has a lot to do with your mindset that makes you think that you might be single forever.
How women can hinder their dating chances
Nearly every women that remains single into their 30’s knows how to take care of themselves and pay their own bills.
Women have to pay their own rent and bills. They do not need a man to look after them financially. Being a self sufficient women is great, but men need to be needed. It’s in their biology. Men want to feel useful. When men help a women, they feel good and this increases their testosterone. It triggers something called ‘The Hero Instinct’.
What can you do to trigger this hero instinct?
Let the man you’re dating carry the shopping, tell him about the things you want fixed around your apartment. Be vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s fairly simple stuff, but most women are so used to doing everything for themselves that it becomes really hard for them to ask for, or even accept help. It makes the man you are dating feel like he has no use. Men love to protect women (real men that is). Women love to feel safe.
By triggering a man’s ‘hero instinct’ it increases his testosterone. On the flip side, a woman’s self sufficiency actually changes her hormones and she will start to generate more testosterone the longer she goes with nobody to rely on. This is one of the reasons your high flying friend is still single. Men subconsciously sense this masculine energy. Men are more biologically attracted to women with lower levels of testosterone and so are subconsciously put off by a woman’s increased testosterone (we are animals after all). You can disagree with me, but it’s science.
To decrease your testosterone simply stop trying to do everything yourself when you meet a potential man that you might like to date. Accept offers of help and show appreciation for it. Your testosterone will decrease, his testosterone will increase. Feminists going to hate me, but biology doesn’t lie. Women biologically crave safety and security. Men crave to be needed, valued and respected.
Allow him to help
Accepting help does not mean that you must quit your job and rely on a man financially. It means that you should allow the man you’re dating to take some of the daily burden of life from you (this is hard for an independent women to do). You can absolutely be financially equal, but allow a man to give you a feeling of safety at the same time. In turn, he will feel great, because real men love to help and protect. Let him help you, even if you don’t need it and then show appreciation for it.
In a long term relationship one of the things that keeps a relationship healthy is daily gratitude. So if you complain that your guy wants a thank you for doing the washing up, just say thank you. It costs nothing. Men love to feel appreciated. A man that feels appreciated will do anything to keep his girl safe and happy.
Relationships are a balance of masculine and feminine energy. Great men want to look after the woman in their life and love to feel appreciated for it. Equality doesn’t mean men and women must be the same. If means there should be a fair balance.
If the man you are dating refuses to help out in anyway, I’d see this as a red flag and seriously reconsider the relationship. Don’t date an unhelpful man. You’ll end up in a one sided relationship with a guy that never has your back. Stop dating unhelpful boys.
Masculinity isn’t toxic. The absence of it is.
Weak men are abusive, unhelpful and spiteful .
Strong, masculine men are protective, caring, helpful and loving.
Drop your checklist
This is the easiest way to stay single forever. Every girl has a list of things they want from a partner. There are not enough tall, dark handsome men in the world to go around. Every guy gets written off immediately based on missing physical attributes.
I’ve always been open to who I dated, but I was never going to date anybody much younger than me. The universe had other ideas and sent me a man 9 years younger than me. I never in a million years would have matched with this guy on a dating app, because my age preferences were set higher. When you connect with a person it has nothing to do with age or looks. It has everything to do with how you feel in their company. Chase connection and compatibility. When you connect with somebody that nourishes your soul, you really won’t care what they look like or how old they are. Height, age or looks mean absolutely nothing when you have a good connection.
Internet dating makes this really difficult, because you cannot sense a connection by swiping photos. Try to join local Meetup groups and get to know people in a more organic way.
Stop looking for a walking credit card
Men can smell this a mile away and if they are a high quality men who know their value, they won’t be giving you a second date. They want a women who will value and love them as a human. Not just for what position they hold at JP Morgan.
Try not to enter every first date thinking “OMG this is the man I’m going to marry” and see it as an experience instead. Every date, good or bad, is an opportunity for growth.
Work on your healing
Many people I have seen that remain single hold on to grudges regarding past hurts and trauma. They remain cynical about love and men in general.
I have 6 words for you: you manifest what you believe in.
If you believe that all men suck, then that is what you will attract. Men of any value also sense your distrust and lack of openness. It puts them off. Men want a women they can be open and vulnerable with. A cynical women with a wall up does not encourage a man to feel open. He won’t feel good around you, because you will be projecting your past hurt onto him.
Work on your healing. I can guarantee you’ll have more luck with men, once you realise that you have let emotionally unhealthy men into your life. They are not all that way.
You will continue to attract the same type of person until you learn the lessons the universe is trying to teach you and heal from it. Once healed you will be able to spot a toxic guy quickly and you won’t waste time on them.
It takes a brave person to love again after being hurt. Only through healing and dealing with past emotional triggers can you move into a more healthy relationship and you won’t remain single forever.
You’re wasting time on something that doesn’t tick the right boxes.
While you’re busy looking for a guy whose looks and body type fit your ideal, you might be forgetting to focus on the most important aspects that actually make a relationship tick. There are three golden points required for a relationship to work and you need a delicate balance of all three. They are; chemistry, compatibility and commitment. This is the golden triangle needed as the foundation for a healthy relationship. Things go wrong when people chase a relationship that doesn’t have all three
This golden triangle is the perfect recipe for a wonderful relationship and is absolutely worth the effort of dating to find it. You need to be willing to walk away from something that doesn’t show promise in all three areas.
We all have a friend that goes crazy over a guy that she thinks is hot, but he says he doesn’t want a relationship. Relationships need chemistry and compatibility to get started, if the person you have chemistry and compatibility with says they don’t want a relationship. Believe them. Go and find somebody that does. If a man says he is not looking for a relationship. Trust him. If you have amazing chemistry with someone but argue constantly. Walk away. Don’t stay with somebody you can’t get along with. Stop wasting your time with the wrong people.
How do I know all this?
When my ex husband decided he wanted to move on to find a more exciting and fresh relationship after one year of marriage. I was broken and felt like I had been thrown away like an old shoe, so I jumped head first into reading and listening to every bit of self help I could get my hands on. Sleeping at night was a struggle so I listened to YouTube videos until I fell to sleep. The silence felt terrible, so I listened to podcast after podcast on relationships and cultivating self worth.
This blog post is a compressed version of 18 months of healing and learning. I developed an understanding of how to find and create a healthy relationship. I knew deep down that I would meet a great guy sometime soon.
I kept a positive attitude, went on plenty of terrible dates and then met my lovely guy in Hong Kong (which is notoriously hard for dating).
Follow my tips, keep the faith to manifest what you want, work on healing from past relationships and negative thought patterns and you won’t be single forever.
There is a guy out there wondering where you are.
Good post.