If you have a narcissist in your life, you will probably already be aware that this personality disorder fits into a fairly distinct and predictable behaviour pattern. The narcissistic cycle of abuse cycles through idealise, devalue, discard and hoover. This cycle is also present with the way a narcissist acts when you travel solo.
Keep reading to find out how the narcissist acts and the behaviour patterns seen when you travel solo.
Before you leave for a solo trip – you enter the devalue phase
A narcissist may push someone away before they leave for a solo trip to devalue them. The narcissists actions manifest in behaviours such as; not spending quality time together before you go, making you feel bad about traveling solo, saying that they won’t miss you and putting your chosen destination down to dampen your excitement. All of this is so that the narcissist can devalue you and also push you away to protect themselves from uncomfortable feelings. They do this for several reasons, these include;
Fear of abandonment – Narcissists often struggle with a deep-seated fear of abandonment, which can cause them to act out in ways that push their partner away before they leave. They may feel threatened by the idea of their partner being independent, as it challenges their sense of control and superiority.
Need for control – Narcissists often have a strong need for control and may feel uncomfortable when their partner engages in activities that they cannot control or influence. Solo travel may be perceived as a threat to their control over the relationship and may trigger feelings of anxiety or insecurity.
Insecurity – Narcissists come across as confident, but struggle with feelings of insecurity and may act out in ways that seek to protect their fragile self-esteem. They may push their partner away before they leave as a way to protect themselves from the potential pain of rejection or abandonment.
How the narcissist acts when you are on the trip – you enter the discard phase
Once you set out for your trip, things will quickly go downhill with regards to keeping in touch. The narcissist will instantly fail at keeping in contact. Long or thoughtful emails will be ignored. Texts will be left on read. Gifts, packages or postcards unacknowledged. If you have a time difference, the narcissist will not make any effort to text or call you before they go to bed, or before they set off for work in the morning.
You will feel ignored, ghosted or stonewalled. If you raise the issue, you will hear statements such as; “why are you so needy” or “it was your choice to go away on the trip”. They may even tell you that they are unsure about the relationship and break up with you.
You might start to feel anxious and spend too much time waiting for a text message, phone call or email from them. The narcissist will not care. Actually they will enjoy that you feel anxious on your trip, because they know that their silent treatment or possible break up will be affecting you.
It’s important to note that the discard phase of the narcissistic cycle does not always result in a breakup. It can result in increased absence, neglect, ghosting and stonewalling.
If the narcissist has planned to come and meet you on part of the trip, they will often cancel altogether, delay the trip, or arrive and then decide something has come up and leave early. Leaving you to complete that portion of the trip alone, even though you may have planned that part of the trip with them in mind.
When you raise any of the mentioned behaviours with them, the usual narcissistic tactics of gaslighting, switching, projection and rage will make you feel that you are the problem. This allows the cycle to continue and the bad behaviour to be accepted.
Narcissists enjoy other peoples unhappiness. It is fuel for them. They enjoy knowing that you want more from them. It puts them back in control.
How the narcissist acts when you travel solo – lack of ‘Object Constancy’
Another reason that a narcissist will push you away when you are traveling solo is because they struggle with something called object constancy.
This means that they may struggle to maintain a positive emotional connection with others, when they are not physically present. When a narcissist is not in the presence of someone who provides them with attention or admiration, they are unable to retain positive feelings for them, because they lack object constancy.
With a narcissist, object constancy did not develop in childhood, which means they see people in black and white. There are no nuanced grey areas. A person is either all good, or all bad. When you are on a solo trip, because you are not meeting their needs, you are all bad. Out of sight, out of mind.
You may even here the narcissist comment on how they did not really think about you while you were gone. They will see this as a sign that you are wrong for them. Little do they know, they are unable to retain positive emotions for anybody that is not in their presence.
When a narcissist is not in the presence of someone who provides them with attention or admiration, they may feel anxious or insecure, this leads them to engage in manipulative or controlling behaviour to try to maintain the relationship. This is another reason why the discard phase begins when you travel solo and are away from their physical presence. By pushing you away and making you anxious, they then feel more in control.
The return home – the love bombing and hoovering starts
After spending your trip feeling ignored and ghosted, the narcissist will move into the love bombing phase when you return home from a solo trip.
Love bombing is a tactic used by narcissists to manipulate their partner into feeling loved and appreciated. This phase involves showering their partner with attention, affection, and gifts.
They do this when you return home to make you feel like they were actually “just busy”. This encourages you to think that maybe you were actually being a bit “needy”. You might even apologise for coming across too needy as you’ll start to believe all the manipulations and lies the narcissist told you while you were away. Narcissists also do this to regain control over the relationship and to compensate for any feelings of abandonment that you or they may have been feeling while away.
If they broke up with you while you were away, they will tell you it was all a big mistake. They’ll say that they realised that they missed you and ask for another chance and ‘hoover’ you back in. If they had started any kind or relationship during this time, you will be having a ‘Friends style’ Ross and Rachel conversation with comments similar to Ross’ “we were on a break”.
The cycle will then continue through the usual stages of idealise, devalue, discard and hoover.
A relationship with a narcissist follows a predictable pattern or cycle. Once you identity these patterns, you can take steps towards protecting your mental health. This is especially important when traveling solo in new and unfamiliar places.
If you’re wondering what it’s like to go traveling with a narcissist then read my previous post.
And what about business trips. Solo. For a long period of time, like a month.
And if it’s a devaluation phase in full glory, but a narc didn’t discard or even didn’s start a drama before you leave? What to expect when you return home?
That’s a great question and I’m going to write a blog post soon about business trips. Narcissistic abuse follows a pattern through the cycle. Some stages of the cycle last for longer than others. I would expect the devaluation to either continue when they returned or a very short love bombing phase and then back to devaluation. Not every cycle ends with a discard. It could just be silent treatment and ghosting, then back to normal like nothing happened and then gaslighting you when you say you felt ignored.